Beyond BDSM

by Kate Bugos

Beyond the surface level of chains and whips, there is a rich culture attached to the BDSM and kink communities. Subterranean’s Kate Bugos speaks to some scene insiders to get a clearer perspective and clear up some kinky misconceptions.

Kink is one of the oldest subcultures in the book, and is still alive and kicking today. Sexual deviants have existed on the fringe of society for years, but with today’s culture of sexual openness (and helped along by the widespread popularity of things like 50 Shades of Grey and Onlyfans), the kink world is entering the mainstream once again. However, when most of us think kink, we think of handcuffs, chains and whips, and calling your boyfriend daddy. Is this really what’s going on in the world of the kink community, or is it a popular media misconception? We spoke to Misha Mayfair, 2019 Pornhub Awards Fetish Performer of the Year nominee, to get to the bottom of what’s really going on behind closed dungeon doors. 

“I think the biggest misconception about kink is that it’s really hetero, and it’s a way for men to just be abusive and women who are ‘damaged’ or dealing with some kind of trauma. In truth, people are really conscientious about consent and boundaries, and it’s so much more queer than it is hetero, it’s not like a bunch of old white men.” Misha’s own work is decidedly more queer-adjacent than the typical Christian Grey bdsm, involving lots of lesbian scenes and femdom (female domination). However, Misha’s area of expertise is watersports (also known as piss play). This is the more taboo side of the kink scene, and also what won Misha her Pornhub Award nomination. There is something undeniably more socially taboo about things like foot fetishes and watersports than the more commonly seen man tying up a woman in a dungeon scene. “I think the power dynamic fetishisation is more understandable, because everyone has in some way idealised, romanticised, or at least considered power relations sexually. It’s one of the biggest things that drives social relations and society. When it comes to things that are more abstracted from the framework people can understand, it becomes taboo. If it’s not in the traditional format people get freaked out about it.” 

People have been engaging in these sexual taboos for centuries. The Kamasutra, an ancient Hindu text on eroticism thought to be created as early as 400 BC, talks about S&M, orgies, and role-play. Ancient Greek poet Philostratus wrote erotic poems called To a Barefoot Woman and To a Barefoot Boy, some of the earliest documented examples of foot fetishes. The concept of a dominatrix arguably dates all the way back to ancient Mesopotamia, the first civilisation. Kink and fetish play was not as taboo in decades past, but moving into the Victorian era, sexual conservativism became the norm and any non procreative sexual activities were considered shameful or depraved. In the 1900s, the kink scene was largely part of the LGBT+ scene, leading to the birth of leather subculture, a fetish scene mostly specific to gay men. Many feminists were outspokenly against BDSM, but all of this began to change with the popularisation of the internet. It provided a safe place for like minded sexual deviants to discuss their desires, and a strong online community was born. As sex educator Lina Dune told Elite Daily, “As a submissive, I have been told all manner of things about why my role in BDSM is not feminist. But BDSM is the coming together of equals to participate in consensual power exchange. Any way you slice it, that’s feminist to me.”

As the kink scene grew due to ease of online access, attitude began to change. Some feminists started to view BDSM as an empowering form of sexual expression, and kink started to enter the mainstream, cumulating in the release of 50 Shades of Grey, which reached a global audience of all ages, genders, and sexualities. However, the internet also made it much easier to spread misinformation. For people like 25 year old Sophie, a lingerie designer with an active life in the kink scene, the internet can be a helpful but risky resource for exploring sexuality and preferences.

“In my second year of uni I met this girl, and she was a full time dominatrix. That was really interesting to see. I got along with her and got to see that kind of scene, and then I started researching more into the style and the aesthetic of it and it just really like drew to me.” As a lingerie designer, Sophie feels particularly passionate about the aesthetic elements of kink culture. Citing designers like Thierry Mugler, famed for his hyper-feminine corsetry and BDSM inspired looks, she explains, “I think when it comes to kink, the material really is important. So latex and leather are huge materials in the scene, and with latex, when I first tried it on it just really like absorbed me as a person, and I just became one with it, like a second skin. You feel more powerful when you’re playing. And with leather it’s the same”.

One area of kink in which lingerie is often played with if sissification, which is the practice of dressing a male submissive as a woman or placing them in an otherwise feminised role. Although in Sophie’s current relationship she is a submissive, she’s ventured into this realm as well. “I met this person on a kink app, and he wanted to be dressed up in lingerie, he wanted me to do his nails and put on makeup, and it was really, really fun. We didn’t have sex, but he was hard the whole time. So for him, it was like really exciting. And for me, it was just like playing with a doll or being with my girlfriend and dressing up.”

If you’re looking to explore your own sexual deviant side, it’s important to follow the golden rule of kink: keep it safe, sane, and consensual. Discuss your preferences beforehand, know what both you and your partner like, don’t like, and are okay with. Despite the perception porn and the media might give off, there is a lot of important nuance to the power dynamics. As a submissive, Sophie explains, “I feel like the dominant is in a way also the submissive because the dominant has to figure out exactly what the submissive wants and how to treat the submissive. So in a way, it’s all up to the submissive to set the standards and the rules. So that’s kind of where the power lies.” Another incredibly important aspect of play that you don’t usually see in porn is aftercare. Aftercare is the time after kink play where the dominant will give their submissive their full attention and affection, in order to separate the aggression of the play from real life. “Aftercare is something I understood after about half a year getting into kink. I didn’t get it at first, then someone gave me aftercare, and that really changed the whole dynamic. Because you make yourself so vulnerable, and afterwards you just want a big cuddle, or just want to be told you’re beautiful instead of like, a dirty slut.”

Misha Mayfair also has some advice for people new to the kink community. “First you need to make a FetLife profile (fetlife is a fetish based social media platform)- you don’t even need to do it properly with your name and pictures, just make an account. Then you can see events that are happening close to you, and go to one of these munches [note: a munch is a social event for those interested in the kink/BDSM scene where no play or discussion of play occurs, purely to get to know likeminded people] or pub meets where you can make friends and have some familiar faces to see at an event. Or, you can just jump straight in and go to a club night! Either way, definitely find events, go to events and meet people, it makes it a lot more fun and a lot less scary, and you’ll quickly see that many other people are filthy degenerates like yourself.”